So THAT was fast!

I will get to the point, I promise. But this week needs a bit of an intro.

I don't read my Bible enough. I really want to, I just don't.  I have this great daily devotional book for the kids too called "Jesus Calling, for Kids" by Sarah Young that I keep in the kitchen to read with them every day. We've read it about 5 times. In the past year. BUT each time we read it, each time I spend time reading the Bible, we are each blessed. What I mean by "blessed" is that our perspective changes, we remember that we don't have to be in charge of getting everything right, that we have a way to be made clean from all of the messes we've created in our lives and even more importantly, we are reminded that God sees us and knows us and is with us- in a very real way.   So here's what happened this past week...

I was feeling like I was trying to figure everything out with what's going on with Lena, how every one's doing- am I doing enough? too much? and I realized I had started to believe again that I was in charge of making all of this work out right for everyone.  So I started making some prayer cards because DOING prayer tangibly often helps me focus. (This is not an original idea, I got it from a very wise man named Paul Miller and if I was more tech savvy I'd link you to his book about praying. You should get it on amazon, it's really good). So I wrote each family member's name on an index card, including Lena's, and wrote down 3 big things I want to pray for them.  Then I searched the Bible, via the index in the back, for a verse I thought would be appropriate for what I wanted for them. As I was doing this I was wondering what would be a verse I could store in my brain that would help me right now, and I realized that it would have to say something about not being afraid because I realized, during this moment of quiet, that I am feeling afraid. Really afraid. I mean, all of this is just kind of a big deal and it all seems right and "of course!" but... oh my gosh, tell me again, how did we get here???
And this is what I came to:

                           "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you. I do not give to you as the world gives. Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid." John 14:27

What I remembered is that God says, in the Bible, that he will ask us, invite us, lead us to do things that sometimes seem like a stretch for us but it's because he is going to give to us really good things, and not the way we're used to, like at Christmas where we just sit and receive and it's so fun the whole time, but in a way that brings deeper intimacy in relationships and healing in the whole world. To us this sometimes feels pretty unnerving, this deep healing and intimacy. Scary even, because it touches the deep places we don't go to very often.  This happens often when we take steps in faith to do what he asks us to do.

So I read that and then a couple of days later I hear in church, and then read in this awesome Tim Keller book called "The Meaning of Marriage" that DOING is love, DOING is faith. It's not really about how I am feeling. Feeling good about Lena, enjoying her is great, and that's part of love, but bringing her into our family for a month, or forever, finding ways to care for her is real love because it is action. Like all of you who have given us gift cards, clothes, books in Russian, monetary donations to help us get her here, spent time with us, invited us to be with you- you are loving Lena with these wonderful gifts! I can guarantee that I do not demonstrate love through action because I always feel like doing it or because it fits just perfectly and isn't a hassle-because honestly sometimes it is, it's actions I choose to take because I want to do what God tells us to do (in this case care for orphans) and I know that when I do what God wants, healing and redemption happens. I believe that. So we keep taking steps forward.

OK here's the exciting part, this was a big step for us.

I got a phone call from a Ukrainian woman working with our hosting agency and she wants to talk to Lena about how things are going, if she likes being in our family, and if she had the chance would she choose to live in America with us. I say, "Uh... do we need to talk about this first? Like what you're going to say, what we want to say exactly so we make sure there's no pressure, I don't know, are we supposed to be asking her this already?"  "Yes," she says, "I talk to Lena."

 At this point it has only been a few days that Freddie and I had confirmed with each other that we want to adopt her, and we had mentioned this to NO ONE.

So she talks to Lena, then to me and says to me that Lena wants to be able to stay in the U.S. (with us). I'm thinking, "OK, well that's great but was this conversation supposed to happen at 9pm in the kitchen while Freddie's putting the kids to bed? I don't really have my thoughts together at this moment and I thought the hosting agency told us not to talk about this until the last week.." So I say to this woman, "So... at some point do we need to formally ask her if she wants to be adopted?" to which she replies, "Sure." (very direct, not a lot of emotion, thick Russian accent). And I say, "Soooooo .. do I just put her back on the phone?" and she says, "yes."  So I do because it is all very surreal and this woman is very direct and I am just kind of in the moment. 
And what I hear is this:

"Da" (this is yes in Russian)
"Da."
"Da."
"DA?"
then Lena looks at me
"DAAAAAAA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
drops the phone and hugs me so hard I swear she's going to break my rib and whispers,

"mommy!"

I swear time stopped for a minute while I felt my entire life course shift directions. It was like nothing I have ever felt before. And if I can be completely honest here I also turned very cold and thought, oh my goodness. What did I do?

Not the response you were hoping for, right? I know. This path is one that I knew we had chosen and I would have never chosen anything different, ever, but all of a sudden in that moment I was terrified. 

                            

     "Do not be troubled and do not be afraid.." I took a deep breath and remembered, He's got it. It's ok. We are not alone in this. 

I thanked the woman on the phone and then we ran upstairs and took these awesome pictures which are blurry because everyone was just jumping around screaming:

(This is Ethan yelling and jumping)

To me this picture is what true freedom must feel like. The relief of knowing that whatever life has been like for her for the past 12 years in the orphanage, with no one to call family, is over. She belongs with us now, she is spoken for, and she is loved. And I am just today getting let in to the depth of hope she had that this day would come when she typed to me, verbatim per the messy translation app, "I still seem that I was sleeping and it is constant for a sweet dream. I could only dream of this and it turned out to be a reality."

We are awestruck that we are here. We chose to walk this path but fully believe it is a course set before us by God, who knows Lena and has loved her for her entire life, and who knows us and what he has given to us so that we can give to her. I am afraid. I am incredibly inadequate and easily fatigued and  often grouchy.  But my hope is that God will continue to be faithful to all of us as we have all agreed to trust what he has planned.  

None of this is final. We have a long way to go. More details another day...

YAY!!!!

Andrea